The Elmer Keith Humor Thread

.....is this damn cold in God's Country, -5* this AM after 5"-6" of new snow! y the way, Welcome to the forum if I missed you. Chris S

Man, that's just too damn cold! Thanks, Chris!

A guy is out drinking with his friends on his birthday..
He ends up ridiculously wasted and throws up all over his shirt.
His friends are laughing, but he looks upset. "I can't go home like this, my wife already thinks I drink too much, she'll be pissed when she sees this..."
His best friend, thinking quickly, tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket. "Tell her a stranger barfed on you, and insisted on paying to get your shirt cleaned!"
The guy staggers home and sure enough, his wife blows up at him when he walks in the door. "It's 3 AM, you're trashed, and you puked all over yourself!"
The guy stays calm. "Nah, baby, some guy at the bar puked on me. Look, he even gave me $20 to have it cleaned!"
His wife looks in his shirt pocket. "There's $40 in here..."
"Yeah, he also shit in my pants."

I was dating a girl with a lazy eye..

I had to dump her though.. 

She was seeing someone on the side.

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen..
So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar..
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

Police officer responded to a domestic call, apparently a lady shot her husband for walking on her wet, freshly mopped floor. When the officer radioed it in, the sergeant asked if he had arrested her. Officer replied "No sir, not yet, the floor is still wet" 

Hahaha! That's a good one, admin! Just keep 'em coming.

 
 A man told me his wife had requested that he see if he could get a bottle of " them pills that makes a man hard like he was when he was young " . He said he thought it would be a good idea so the next day on the way home from work he picked up a bottle and took them home and gave them to the wife . He said he turned his back to go get e beer out of the fridge and the pill bottle came sailing past his head and the wife ordered him out of the house ! What was she mad about I asked , you just did what she requested ? ........... He said " They was diet pills " .

  Eddie