The Elmer Keith Humor Thread

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BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018

Hi, everyone! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up from a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a short one:

This new thesaurus I bought is the worst..

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

chris3755
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Joined: 06/03/2010
What's really terrible.....

.....is this damn cold in God's Country, -5* this AM after 5"-6" of new snow! y the way, Welcome to the forum if I missed you. Chris S

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
Man, that's just too damn

Man, that's just too damn cold! Thanks, Chris!

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
A guy is out drinking with

A guy is out drinking with his friends on his birthday..
He ends up ridiculously wasted and throws up all over his shirt.
His friends are laughing, but he looks upset. "I can't go home like this, my wife already thinks I drink too much, she'll be pissed when she sees this..."
His best friend, thinking quickly, tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket. "Tell her a stranger barfed on you, and insisted on paying to get your shirt cleaned!"
The guy staggers home and sure enough, his wife blows up at him when he walks in the door. "It's 3 AM, you're trashed, and you puked all over yourself!"
The guy stays calm. "Nah, baby, some guy at the bar puked on me. Look, he even gave me $20 to have it cleaned!"
His wife looks in his shirt pocket. "There's $40 in here..."
"Yeah, he also shit in my pants."

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
I was dating a girl with a

I was dating a girl with a lazy eye..

I had to dump her though.. 

She was seeing someone on the side.

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
The saddest thing in the

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen..
So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
A woman turns to her husband

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
I went to fill up my tires

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar..
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

admin's picture
admin
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Joined: 05/25/2010
Domestic Violence

Police officer responded to a domestic call, apparently a lady shot her husband for walking on her wet, freshly mopped floor. When the officer radioed it in, the sergeant asked if he had arrested her. Officer replied "No sir, not yet, the floor is still wet" 

BurgNeiss
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Joined: 01/04/2018
Hahaha! That's a good one,

Hahaha! That's a good one, admin! Just keep 'em coming.